WITH only some 50 years of
independent national existence, Nigeria
is a country reeking with "new money."
The overwhelming proportion of the
millionaires and billionaires in the
country are "nouveau-riche;" they
became rich literally "overnight." We
are talking of people whose wealth does
not go beyond a generation.
Indeed, the fantastic wealth of Nigerian
billionaires like Femi Otedola scarcely
goes beyond ten/fifteen years. Not only
does Nigeria's wealthy few have a short
history, they often have a short future
as well. The money comes
"miraculously" and goes just as
"miraculously."
In my youth, S.B. Bakare was the
celebrated Nigerian tycoon. Highlife
stars and juju musicians eulogised him
in their records. But ask a young
Nigerian today who S.B. Bakare is, and I
can bet my bottom dollar he has never
heard of him.
S.B. has fallen off the radar and so has
his wealth. It is not identifiable by any
major industry or enterprise. His
descendants may still be in litigation
over the dregs of his estate, but
undoubtedly it is nothing to write home
about again. Certainly, nobody is
singing about S.B. Bakare today. There
are now new pretenders to his throne.
New dawn
Time was when wealthy Nigerians built
something, developed something, or
made something. At that time, the rich
were truly captains of industry. Alhaji
Sanusi Dantata made his fortune in the
era of the groundnut pyramids in the
North; buying and shipping them for
export.
Sir Odumegwu Ojukwu had Nigeria's
largest fleet of inter-city "mammy-
wagons." He also imported
"panla" (dried fish) on a large scale. Sir
Mobolaji Bank-Anthony had a tanker
fleet and a pioneering charter airline.
Emmanuel Akwiwu, hauled oil-rigs and
supplies for British Petroleum. Chief
Timothy Adeola Odutola produced
bicycle tires for the growing army of
Nigerian bike-riders.
But thanks to oil, much of Nigerian
wealth is no longer the product of such
ventures. Yes, we have billionaires like
Ibrahim Dasuki and Mike Adenuga who
can still be rightfully described as
highly enterprising. But even more
significantly, we have tycoons who
came into wealth through "wuru-wuru"
and "mago-mago." These men are
hardly Nigeria's Bill Gates.
On the contrary, they don't have a clue
what to do with their dubious wealth,
and they are ignorant about wealth-
creation. As such, they add little of
value to the Nigerian project. Their
praises may be sung today by their
horde of parasitical hangers-on, but
they will not be remembered for good
when they are gone. As mysteriously as
their wealth materialised, so will it
vanish.
These men became rich through some
of the following tried and tested
methods, which can be relied upon to
lead to one's inclusion in the Nigerian
Book of Irrelevant Rich Men. If you want
to get rich quick, here is the Nigerian
blueprint. But please, don't tell anyone I
"wiki-leaked" this highly-classified
national secret to you.
Rob a bank
This strategy has gone through some
transition. Bank-robbers used to be
men of the underworld who held banks
hostage at gunpoint and then made off
with the cash. However, it was soon
recognised that this approach has
distinct disadvantages. You might get
arrested and jailed. Even worse, you
might get shot. It also became apparent
that banks carry limited amounts of
cash.
Therefore, a successful bank robbery of
this violent kind might only land you
perhaps 50 million naira tops, which is
not even enough to buy or build a
house in Banana Island. There is a
better way to rob a bank with far
limited risk. Simply establish a bank.
When you establish a bank, you can rob
the bank every day without a gun.
When people deposit money in your
bank, they don't know that they are
handing over their life-savings to a
thief. You then rob the bank you
establish in a number of imaginative
ways.
For example, you can lend money to
your bank and then charge it a very
high interest-rate. Better still, you can
borrow billions from your bank and
simply forget to pay it back. Or, you can
use the money deposited in your bank
to buy houses and then rent them out
as branches to your bank at exorbitant
prices.
This approach is guaranteed to make
you a few billion naira until the EFCC
policemen come calling. When they do,
you can quickly fall sick, spend a few
months in Deluxe Hospital Hotel and
then relocate to your village to enjoy
your wealth, never to be heard of again.
Join the PDP.
This one is a sure banker. As a member
of the greatest party in the history of
Africa, you will be given a credit-card to
spend Nigeria's oil wealth. If you are not
getting enough attention in the party,
make a lot of noise. Abuse Tinubu on
the pages of the newspapers and call
Buhari an idiot.
Insist that Goodluck Jonathan should
not only run for re-election unopposed
in 2015, there should be a
constitutional amendment to make him
a life-president. This is a tell-tale sign
that you are hungry; and the powers-
that-be will soon invite you to "come
and chop."
As a distinguished member of this great
party, the opportunities open for you to
set yourself up for life are considerable.
For example, you can start collecting
billions for petroleum subsidy and
simply not import any petrol
whatsoever. You can get the
government to change all car license-
plates nationwide; and then become
the sole supplier of the new license-
plates.
You can ask the president to make you
the sole importer and distributor of
diesel for the entire country. Of course,
this might also entail that you become
the chairman of his re-election
campaign, to which you duly make a
handsome contribution. Alternatively,
you can ask to be chairman of the
Nigerian Ports Authority.
Nobody will bat an eyelid when, within
a matter of months, you have a fleet of
cars, have two or three houses in
Asokoro, and own four hotels in Dubai.
You may even kick out your wife and
marry a fourteen-year-old "Suzie"
befitting your new status. You have
arrived as one of Nigeria's celebrated
rich men. But keep your eyes on the
ball. Don't get distracted or carried
away. The enemies of Mr. President
must always remain your enemies.
Start a mega-church
This one is pure genius. Peradventure
you lose your job or fall on hard times.
Don't go into depression. Just start a
church. Make it a purpose-built church.
Think of something that men need. Tell
them you have the anointing to provide
it. Tell them whoever wants to be a
billionaire should come to your church.
Start a few of your messages with
"Thus says the Lord." Then teach your
congregation the everlasting principles
of sowing and reaping.
Make sure they understand that if they
really want God to bless them
financially, they first have to give you
as much money as possible. Create a
special prayer group for millionaires
and billionaires. That way, if they get
any new government contract they will
attribute it to the efficacy of your
prayers and credit something big into
your bank account. Tell everybody to
give you their "first-fruits."
That is a code word for their entire
January salaries. Then come up with
imaginative offerings to collect, such as
"prophet's offering," (you, of course,
being the prophet); "Father, Son and
Holy Ghost offerings;" "Jesus will do it
offering."
Very soon, you will be flying your own
private jet to preach your gospel in
Ilesha; you will be wearing white
Armani suits and jerry-curling your hair;
you will be collecting gate-fees for new
years' eve services; billionaire thieves
and robbers will be queuing up to see
your private-secretary on the Lagos-
Ibadan expressway. In short, you will be
living large. For good measure, you will
also be slapping demons out of poor
bewitched damsels with impunity.
Become a mule
There is high demand for this job. There
are many politicians and men of timber
and caliber looking for mules; men who
can keep stolen money for them, or
smuggle it to safe havens abroad. This
is a highly lucrative job because for
every ten billion naira you smuggle, you
can pocket one billion. Don't get greedy
and come to the conclusion that you
can make off with the entire loot.
That is a sure way to have assassins on
your tail. Before they kill you, they will
first break your legs. If you are caught
while smuggling money abroad, you
can easily escape and come back home
dressed as a woman. Then you can get
a national merit award.
If you are a mule for a president or a
governor, you are set up for life. You will
get 24 hours military protection so that
no petty thief can come near you. You
will get to travel all over the world. You
will get free medical check-ups, so that
you don't just fall down one day and
die.
That would be disastrous, especially if
your sponsor does not know exactly
where you kept his loot, or if he does
not have the password to the secret
account you opened for it in the
Bahamas in the name of Ali Baba.
Obituary
I remember the story of a former
Nigerian Head of State who allegedly
kept a billion dollars with a mule. Then
the mule had a stroke. Every effort was
made to get him to say just a few
words, namely the number of the
account where the loot was stashed;
but to no avail.
After a few months, the man died. This
"national" calamity has prompted the
review of the conditions of service of
mules. There are now two new, strictly
prohibited, clauses. Mules must not
have strokes, and under no
circumstances should a mule presume
to die. If he does, his generations yet
unborn will suffer for it.
(P.S./N.B. If you have perfected
other Nigerian approaches to quick
wealth than these, don't hesitate
to let me know. I promise to keep
the matter strictly confidential.)
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